A Silly Worm

 

It has been adrenaline-filled days of anticipation, self-defense, challenges, relentless determination and breakthroughs.

For too long, I have felt like a worm burrowed deep in the after-rain mud. Trapped in my own tiny sphere of bubble, too introverted to face the bustling world above. Being out in the open, even for a while, means having the possibility of getting stomped and crushed.

Until recently, I decided it is perhaps time to screw myself up. Literally. I could feel the resistance of gravity anchoring me down. But this time, it can't bring me down anymore. I'm determined to break free. And I will. :)

~~~

Last night was almost another ordinary night, lying on the bed, in my best effort to shield off spontaneous arrows of thoughts shot in random directions all over my cranium. I swear my mind has a mind of its own.

To entertain myself while my mind was doing its own stunts, I turned on my iPod and put this song on a repeat mode.  It's my favourite Chinese worship song and it touches the soft spot in my heart all the time.

However, last night, a phrase in that song hit me really hard and pierced through that soft spot right into my heart.

"主耶穌今天我為你活" - Jesus, I'm living for You today.

This is a very common sentence, people talk and sing about it all the time. Honestly, it was only until last night that it had finally made sense to me.

*Censored a large chunk of words and saved them in draft instead*

The moment I heard it, I was brought back to that fateful day, a few months back, when I had wished I was dead... It was scary because it had felt so real.

I could not stopped crying the moment I finally understood that sentence last night. A reminder to myself, in times when it seems like I have nothing I want to live for, I can still live for God. Funny how God teaches.

~~~

Anyway today! I finally had my first piano recital, to an audience of 20-odd fellow schoolmates at NUH. That was the most courageous thing I've done with the piano to date. It was almost crazy. :)

And this is how a nurse would say it -

I BLOODY DID IT.

 

:D